The Clearing.
“Oh, yeh, you know me, can’t keep my eyes off him, obviously. I like nothing more then to watch Draco, continuously.” Theodore rolled his eyes, tutting as he spoke.
“It is not the same for you, as it is for some of us, it is not the same. You do not face the pressures we face. I cannot fully explain it to you, nor can I expect you to fully understand, yet this is the predicament I face. My opinion, well, if it fell into the wrong hands: it could end lives. I will not take responsibility for that, I cannot. You didn’t have to trust me with your opinion, I asked you a question, you answered. That was your choice. I am glad you did trust me though. Nothing of what we have spoken upon will leave this clearing when we do: I give you my word on that. It is of course your prerogative to distrust me: but I suppose time will tell.
Tracey chuckled a little as he spoke, not able to help it. She quickly calmed down, eyeing him as she did. It seems to be a pattern, within a lot of her meaningful conversations lately, that it starts with an argument before becoming a bit more meaningful then light-hearted; she wondered why.
Sighing, she shook her head at his words. “Yes, I understand that but don’t you think that I’m going through something just as hard?” Tracey looked at him, earnestly before once again shaking her head, withdrawing into her cold shell once more. “Do you know what? Nevermind.” She stood up, shouldering her bag, she didn’t want to speak anymore. She didn’t know how to get herself across without revealing anything about herself. Her past, her family, her blood status. Everything needs to be kept a secret right now. She needed to be completely sure of their loyalty before she mentions anything. “I think I should go… I promise too that not a word of what was said today will be repeated.”
(via xtheodore-nott-deactivated20120)
The Clearing.
Theodore sighed, he had hoped she wouldn’t touch upon the issue of his loyalties, and since she had, he wasn’t sure what to say. Theodore rubbed his temples, willing his brain to come up with some sort or reasonable explanation, without giving away any of his true feelings.
“I cannot discuss it, I just cannot, I am not allowed to have my own feelings, I have them placed upon me. I am so very – no, I am sorry, I just can’t” Theodore stopped himself short, he couldn’t do this, if anyone knew, well, the repercussions would be harsh.
Theodore didn’t know what else to say, he hoped that she would just leave it, and not probe him further, although he feared she wouldn’t. Theodore decided to try and turn her focus onto the discussion about Draco, “I don’t know Davis, but I will not sit back and watch him be destroyed like this. Have you seen him lately? Have you actually seen him? He is paler then normal, not that I would have believed that possible. He has lost weight, and his eyes, well: his eyes are dead, dull, lifeless. I cannot bear to see him in such a way. I know not what to do, but I do know that I cannot not do anything.” Theodore sighed once more, biting on his lower lip, and looking up at her.
Tracey, ignoring his avoidance in telling her his opinion, raised a brow at him, in a teasing manner, not being able to help herself. “Who would’ve thought that you kept such a close watch on Malfoy, hmm?” Shaking her head, she released a long breath before continuing, more seriously. “Of course, I’ve noticed, I’m not as oblivious as a lot of people think I am. I don’t like it either, come on, I’m not that much of a bitch.” Sighing, she starts to, once again, twirl her wand in her hands. “But I doubt that he’ll accept any help we offer, you know how he is. Plus, it really would not be wise for us to meddle with such matters and I think that we’ll just end up making it worse for him. Right now, we can’t do anything.”
Falling into a lapse of silence, she then remembers what he had previously said and decided to touch upon it once more. “You’re not allo- Theodore, everyone is allowed their opinion.” Tracey said earnestly, she was almost sure that she knew where his loyalties lie but she wanted it confirmed. All the things hinting at it weren’t enough, she needed his words; at least then, if it all turns out against her, she’d have evidence of something against him, though, somehow, she doubts it’ll come to that. “I trusted you with my opinion, why can’t you do the same with me? That seems fair, right?”
(via xtheodore-nott-deactivated20120)
The Clearing.
“I may have brought up the conversation, but you don’t understand, not enough for me to talk about it further with you.” Theodore looked up at her, as he spoke.
“So you do not count yourself fortunate, to know you own mind enough to make decisions, when so many are incapable of it?” Theodore wondered once more what had happened to her, to make her so very angry, with the world.
“Do your parents know of your decisions? Do they know you do not support him, does he know? Well, I suppose the answer to my last question is no, or you would likely not be sitting here, perfectly well in front of me.”
Theodore was glad she had used his name, even if she did it begrudgingly, he didn’t want to loose his temper with her again.
“My turn? Oh I don’t need to have a turn, everyone knows what I think, don’t they? Pureblood son, utmost respected family, high ranking death eater father, pah, you know the rest.” Theodore didn’t believe the things he was spurting, but he was sick of people judging him, if they wanted to do that, then let them.
Theodore wasn’t about to tell her his worries, and fears, or how his opinions were changing daily. No, he didn’t trust her with that, not yet, he would likely never trust her.
“So, what do you know about Draco? I know things, things I shouldn’t know, I worry for him, and I wonder if we should try and help, even if we do it without his knowledge, so as not to worry him.”
Tracey narrowed her eyes at that, having not found anything to say in reply, simply because it was true. She didn’t understand but still, she knew enough to make her own conclusions. She may not have made these based on her own experiences but, again, she knew enough, more than enough, even.
“As I’ve said.” She looked down at her wand for a moment, eyeing it’s intricate carvings and shapes before looking back up at him coldly “It has nothing to do with luck or fortune or fate or any other shit like that.” She paused before softening her gaze and lifting a shoulder in a shrug. “I see that there are always choices because I do. I just do.”
“No, they do not and I’d like it to stay that way.” Tracey glared at him, a hidden threat in her eyes. She brought a hand up to her temple, rubbing it in small circles; the amount of questions he was asking was starting to give her a headache. Why must he be so nosey? She dropped this hand onto the ground and started picking at the grass surrounding her, rolling her eyes at his next set of words, a small smirk making its way on her lips. “Touchy, are we?” She, then, sighed, rolling her eyes once more. “I didn’t say any of that, Nott. I want to know what you think; not your family, not your father. You.”
“So as to not worry him? He’ll end up finding out eventually. Don’t you think he has enough on his plate without worrying about what in the freaking hell we’re doing?” Tracey sighed, they shouldn’t be talking about this, they shouldn’t. They mustn’t. “It’s not like we’re capable of doing anything, anyway. I mean it. What could we possibly do that will make a difference?”
(via xtheodore-nott-deactivated20120)
The Clearing.
“They are serving someone, they are doing someone else’s bidding, so ok, perhaps it is not a job, but it is a full time, all consuming, overpowering – look, we shouldn’t discuss this.” Theodore couldn’t have this discussion with her, he wasn’t fully sure how he felt anymore, and so, he couldn’t face it.
“Perhaps not everyone is as lucky as you, to see that they have a choice, to be in the position that you obviously feel you are in.” Theodore looked at her as he spoke: there was sincerity in his voice.
Theodore felt her watching him, he didn’t mind, he was used to people watching him, wondering about him.
Theodore was shocked with her response, he had at least expected her to lie, he didn’t see how telling him she didn’t support the Dark Lord could be lying. Why would you lie about that, you’d maybe lie and say you did support him, if you didn’t, but you wouldn’t lie and say you didn’t when you did, surely?
“Thank you for being honest with me Davis, I did not expect you to be.” Theodore spoke no more on the issue: he had no desire to discuss his own feelings about the Dark Lord, no desire at all. He just hoped she wouldn’t dwell upon it. He sat back down nearer to her this time, yet still far enough away, and waited for her to speak.
“You’re the one who brought it.” She said, stubbornly. It wasn’t something that she particularly wanted to discuss but she knew that it was needed. The Dark Lord was rising, people are panicking, her parents want to go and leave, runaway, but she wanted to stay. Most know what they’re doing, know what side they’ll support, others ran, knowing that whoever wins, no taint would be placed upon their name, and the few who are still undecided. Tracey knew, the moment she heard about the Dark Lord, which side she’d support.
“Luck?” She scoffed. “Luck’s got nothing to do with it.” Tracey watched his reaction to her answer. She was truthful, yes, this was only because she realised that, through everything that had happened earlier, his outbursts, his words, his reactions, he didn’t support him. If he did she’d be fucked, literally, figuratively, metaphorically, but she wasn’t. She didn’t quite trust him, not yet, but an ounce of something between respect and pity entered her thoughts whenever she glanced at him.
Tracey waited for him to speak, once again, and when he didn’t, her eyes narrowed. Tilting her head slightly, her voice rang out loud and clear. “Your turn, Theodore.” She resisted the temptation of calling him, Theo, again, just to see and to speculate further why he’d react as such to a nickname, and instead pursed her lips. “Who do you support?” She eyed him as he moved closer, but did not make a move to increase the distance between them, and waited for him to answer, twirling her wand between her fingers as she did so.
(via xtheodore-nott-deactivated20120)
The Clearing.
Theodore watched as she set her emotions back, he saw the life leave her eyes, as he was left staring into a blank canvas again. No matter, he had seen her, he had seen the true her. He would work damn hard to earn her trust, and he would help her. That could wait. He didn’t need to worry about that now.
He was confused when she didn’t react to his movement, she had been so vicious a moment ago, so untrusting of him, yet she didn’t fear he would hurt her. She had given him back his wand, clearly she trusted him a little, even if she would never admit to it. This was a small victory: in his eyes at least.
He was slightly vexed with her, for scoffing at his discussion about his father, “Yes, a job, what would you call it? Everyone does things they don’t wish to do, for their families, some people enjoy it, others don’t. Besides which, it is not like many have a choice.” Theodore didn’t like discussing his father, he didn’t like where this discussion was headed. So he stood up, and walked over to the stream, peering out into the abyss, and enjoying the comfort it gave him.
He still didn’t know if he could trust her, if he said something, if it got back to the Dark Lord, it could spell trouble for not only himself but his father as well. He had asked her about Draco, so he could tell how much she knew. She hadn’t given anything away, he needed to know where she stood with things, what side she was on.
Without looking back at her, he decided he needed to ascertain her intentions, “Do you support him?” He knew it was a personal question, and he knew it was a touchy subject for many, yet he needed to know, he needed to know what she felt, in regards to the Dark Lord.
“It is not a job.” She stated. “Only, you’re wrong.” Tracey shook her head slightly and looked down at her wand, twirling it within her hands but watching him through her peripheral vision. “There’s a choice. There’s always a choice. Granted, some are much harder to make than others and sometimes you can’t always see that there is a choice but there is; I’ve learnt that. I know.” Realising what she had said, Tracey didn’t react. She knew that those words were ambiguous enough to still hide her past; she wasn’t going to reveal anything more.
She watched him as he headed over to the spring, not understanding how this place calms him, especially when she was there. She completely understood the concept of a sanctuary but not when you’re not alone. Tracey knew she wouldn’t ever share her sanctuary to someone who she had barely spoken to before so, once again, she wondered why he even brought her here when he could have simply chosen another place and she wondered why he showed it to her. Why? It’s not like she ever gave him reason, before, to trust her. He puzzled her. She didn’t like it.
His next words then brought a lump in her throat. She knew she had to answer because leaving would just make her intentions look wrong. He’d probably think that she was supporting him, if he doesn’t support him but if he does support him, he’d probably think she didn’t support him. Maybe, she was just over thinking this but one can never be too careful. No one knew about her secret and she didn’t intend for anyone to find out about it either. Drawing on everything that had happened this evening, his actions and his words, she made a decision and hoped, just hoped, that it was the right one. “No.”
(via xtheodore-nott-deactivated20120)
The Clearing.
Theodore was further confused by her lack of movement, he hadn’t seen her ever increasing attempts at distancing herself from him. He had braced himself, he was waiting for the hex, he was expecting the hex, the hex never came.
Why was she just sitting there, her behaviour told a completely different story to her eyes. Her eyes seethed with hate, and yet she had heard him out, she had not hurt him. Perhaps she was different, perhaps she wasn’t like the others. No, no, she was waiting, she was biding her time. She had to be.
Theodore didn’t know what to do, he had tried, he had offered her his hand, she had ignored him. Her dismissal of his olive branch had hurt him, he wouldn’t show it, but it just added to his already belittled opinion of himself. He wanted to react, he wanted to rage, he wanted to hurt someone. He realised, he didn’t want to hurt her though, she looked so vulnerable, her piercing blue eyes were windows to her soul, and behind the hate, he could see her torment. He felt her torment. No, he couldn’t hurt her. He felt a strange sense of feeling for her. He didn’t know what it was, but he felt it nevertheless. He knew he needed to help her, he didn’t know how yet, he knew it would be hard, but he knew he would find a way.
Upon hearing her chastise him for wanting to help, he decided to try and further explain himself, he knew it would have next to no effect, but he felt he should try, “I don’t think you are a damsel, I don’t think you are incompetent, I said that we would be evenly matched, I know you could give as good as you got. I know that, and I respect it. When I said I brought you here to help you, I didn’t mean it in the way you think, I meant it, I, ohh, look, I have said I did the wrong thing, can we move on?” Theodore felt more, and more frustration with every word he struggled to speak.
Theodore sighed, he didn’t know how to react to this, he had nothing from her, he didn’t have anything to react to. He couldn’t read her: normally he could read people, then he would act accordingly. Since she was so unpredictable, so different, he was struggling to know how to deal with her, to talk to her. Struggling with his emotions, Theodore pulled his knees up to his chest, placed his head on his knees, and he breathed deeply, trying to order his thoughts, trying to structure his next words.
It wasn’t so much the situation with Davis, it was more his previous worries, fears and memories. Why couldn’t he control himself better, why was he allowing this to happen, now, with her here. He needed to be alone, he needed to get away from her. She shouldn’t see him like this, noone should, he was weak.
He couldn’t leave though, he knew if he left now, she would never trust him. What was the point in putting himself on the line if he screwed it all up now. No, he had to sort himself out, he had to put this to the back of his mind, just for now, just until he was alone. He sat there, with his head on his knees for a long while, and he thought, he thought, and he thought, and then, he worried.
Suddenly, remembering he was being watched, Theodore panicked. He shot his head up and his eyes darted around him, he looked to see if she had left. She was still there, still staring at him. she could of hurt him, she could of taken advantage of his vulnerability, she didn’t? Was this a plot as well, was she plotting something? He couldn’t tell, his thoughts were drowning his brain. He had to do something or he was going to explode with rage, rage at his inability to control his brain.
“Davis, I need to do something, when I do it, you are going to feel threatened, only for a second, I swear to you, I am not going to hurt you. You have no reason to believe this, of course you don’t. Please, just trust me, even for a second, or don’t trust me, just don’t react, until I have finished. Then, if you want to, hex the hell out of me.” Upon finishing his speech, Theodore moved towards her, ever so slowly, moving as gently as he could muster, trying not to upset her. He took his wand, and he turned his back to her. He lifted his wand, and he pointed it at his head, he silently muttered a few spells he had used before.
They were fairly adequate at calming his nerves, and clearing his head. The spells created a sort of false calm within his head, a fog if you like, the fog clouded all of his smothering thoughts and allowed him to better ignore them for a time. They were by no means perfect, they never lasted long and they would leave him feeling sick and drained later, but he had no choice. He couldn’t cope with how he was feeling now, and anything had to feel better then this. After he had finished the incantations, he turned back around to face her and he carefully placed his wand in her lap.
Then, as slow, and gently as he had approached her, he moved away. He lay back down on the blanket, and he waited for his head to clear.
He hated being so vulnerable in front of her, he felt as though she was judging him, mocking him. He could deal with her speaking to him they way she did, he could endure all of it, but she had to use that fucking name, twice. The name stirred so many things within him, so many awful things, things he couldn’t cope with. Things he spent all his time running from.
Once his head had cleared somewhat, and his thoughts could be ignored, he turned his body to face her, yet kept his face turned away slightly. As he thought about her watching him, his cheeks flushed crimson once more.
“I, well, Draco, he is, ill. I don’t know, I assume ill, he looks ill. He keeps dissapearing, I don’t know where. I don’t know why, I worry, I worry for him. I know what it’s like, to have a father that is.” He couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“I know what it is like to have a father, who has a difficult job, it ends up affecting everyones lives, not just the fathers. I constantly worry, I constantly wonder what the news from home will be. There are changes everywhere, the teachers, the students, even the animals are reacting.” He stopped himself short, before he said anymore. He wasn’t sure how much he should say. He knew more, of course he did, his father knew the majority of what was going to happen, yet he didn’t know how much he should trust her with……..
Looking straight into his eyes, Tracey saw her mistake. She had stayed. She should have just left! Seeing, clearly, the empathy in Theodore’s eyes, she panicked, though her physical features showed no sign of this. He can see how she was feeling. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No, she didn’t need this! She didn’t want this! She has her own issues and problems already bogging her down without anyone else’s added onto the weight! Now, she felt a slight twinge of sympathy for this boy sitting in front of her and she wanted it to go away. She didn’t even cringe when he approached her and took his wand which, she then realised, was still on her lap. Staring at the offending thing, she gingerly picked it up and threw it in his direction, not offering a single word of explanation.
Tracey had watched with mild curiosity as he performed incantations unto himself and the smallest trace of sympathy made itself known. No, this has to stop. Drawing in everything that she knew and learnt as she went about life, she carefully schooled her features into a pokerface, burying her emotions deeper within her so no sign of them is visible anywhere, not in her face, not in her eyes, nothing. Not a single leak through this dam that she had created.
She didn’t want any sort of chitchat about anything that doesn’t concern the issue at hand and so disregarded everything else but the last few things he had said. Still keeping her distance, Tracey nodded along to his words not commenting until he finished speaking. “A job?” She scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. “Right.” Something he had said made her furrow her eyebrows in confusion. He didn’t know about Malfoy? How strange. I thought he told everyone about that… Tracey then straightened up. It may be best not to say anything then. She thought, taking another step back from Theodore.
(via xtheodore-nott-deactivated20120)
The Clearing.
Theodore had braced himself, he expected her to curse him, to hex him at least. Yet, she had not done either. This confused him, her eyes seethed with hate, and fear, and yet her actions were strange. After her outburst, he had at least expected her to leave. He wondered what was keeping her rooted to the spot, her wand pointed at him. He wasn’t afraid of her, he doubted she would curse him, she would have done it by now if she was planning to. Besides which, he was excellent with a wand, and his was in his hand, ready to defend himself. Not that he’d needed it, and so he wasn’t scared. No, he was curious, he was curious as to why she had acted the way she had.
He could have coped if she had cursed him, or walked away from him, he was used to people treating him that way. He was used to people misunderstanding his actions, it was a frequent occurrence, mostly because of how inept he was at putting across what he really meant. He didn’t know how to cope with this though, the hurt in her eyes, the fear. He hadn’t wanted her to be scared of him. In his strange way, he had wanted to help her, he had seen something in her. Something that he himself was familiar with, it was a feeling he got when he looked into her eyes, he was certain that she was struggling with something, just as much as he was.
“Well bloody done you fool, you’ve done it again, always with the temper, clearly you learn nothing from the past, can you not just for once, try and be nice.” Theodore muttered to himself under his breath.
He still hadn’t spoken to Davis: she was still staring, with intent in her eyes, and her wand pointing at him. Theodore was troubled at what he should do, he was contemplating what to say, giving her time to leave, to hex him.
When she did neither, he decided he had to do something. He had two choices: either he matched her venom with his own, or, he did something he had never done before, back down.
Theodore moved himself back from her, so as to make her feel more comfortable, less threatened. He took his wand and he placed it at her side, and he took a deep breath, readying himself for a conversation he wasn’t even sure he knew how to have.
“I brought you here because I thought it would help you, I also brought you here because I am worried about Draco. I know you have noticed the changes too. I do not mean in just Draco, I mean in everyone. I thought we could talk, I thought I could trust you. Everything has changed. Nothing is normal anymore. It has, well, it is causing me to, act, well, this isn’t me. Well actually, this is me, my behaviour for the past ten minutes has not been me and for that I.” Theodore stopped, he didn’t apologise, he was terrible at wording his views, and he was even more atrocious at backing down, let alone apologising.
He thought long, and hard about how to word himself, before he continued, “I regret my actions, I should not have taken my temper out on you, I should not have touched you, without your permission, and I should not have been so utterly rude. I lost my manners, it won’t happen again, I assure you.” Theodore paused, and looked back at her, willing his sincerity to come across in his words.
He wanted her to understand his previous actions, and so he resumed speaking, “I brought you over here, to the stream, because, well, because it helps me, I saw that you were worried and upset, and I wanted to try and help you. I see now that this was not the correct way to go about things. I don’t wish to fight with you, godric knows we could both give as good as one another, but, there are more important things happening. We should stick together at times like this, not tear each other apart.” Theodore turned towards the stream as he spoke to her, he ran his fingers through his hair, and as his embarrassment began to get the better of him, his face began to change to a shade of scarlet.
“I, well, if there is anything I can do, to make it up to you. I will do my best. I am not very, experienced at dealing with people. Sure there is Draco, Blaise, but, well, I struggle with people. Besides, Draco is not himself, I have barely seen him lately. The fact of the matter is, I struggle with this, talking, I let my temper get the better of me, and I snap. That is why I keep myself to myself, to avoid, this.” Theodore stopped talking, sighed, and lay down upon the blanket, with his hands behind his head.
He lay, looking up at the sky for a while, he was surprised that she had sat there long enough to hear him out, she was still rooted to the same spot, her wand was still in her hand, yet she was still there. He wondered if there was anything else he could say, then he had an idea.
”How about we start over?” He sat up, and held his hand out to her, “Hi, I am Theodore, I regularly put my foot, well, and truly in it, and I am a little highly strung at times. I also make stupid mistakes, I am trying to learn from them. How are you?”
All throughout his little speech, Tracey was slowly backing, even farther, away from him. His words did not registering in her mind. She had no reason to trust him or to believe every word he said. She knew what he was trying to do; he was trying to manipulate her! His sudden change in mood, only made her feel even more suspicious.Tracey could easily run now, run and never come back but she wasn’t that kind of person. A coward. No, she was a fucking Slytherin for Merlin’s sake. No, she will stay and see how this turns out, see exactly who the real Theodore Nott is because he must have sniffed something to even think that she’ll fall for this. No one is that nice, no one… Not unless they wanted something.
And so, schooling her features into a more relaxed pose, she lowered her wand, keeping it by her side just in case she needed it. Tracey’s eyes narrowed as she continued to stare at him, her anger once again rising. “Help me?” She screeched. “I don’t need your help! I don’t need anyone’s fucking help. Leave me to my business and I’ll you to yours. I’m not some stupid, weak, little damsel in distress! I can handle myself and anything else that life throws at me.” The rest of his words didn’t mean anything to her, instead, each and everyone flew over her head, Tracey’s mind only registering what she thinks are key to her suspicions.
Raising both her eyebrows at his reddened cheeks, a doubt formed in her head. What if he was telling the truth? But no, no. His earlier actions had caused too much damage in her trust in him, she wasn’t about to let her guard down once again. If he wanted her trust back then he was going to have to work hard to earn it back, prove to her that he was worthy of it. She had no plans of making things easier for him. None at all. And it may seem like an evil or deranged sort of move but she had to do everything she can to protect herself. Tracey was determined not to repeat her past mistakes and that starts with trusting the right people. If that means she has to conduct a test on everyone around her, then so be it.
Flicking her eyes between his own and his outstretched hand, Tracey made no move to shake it, instead just raising a brow at him. She regarded him carefully, pushing down any feeling of anxiety and spoke with caution. “You’ve noticed some things? What… things?” She looked at him with a cool expression, making it clear she didn’t want to talk about anything else. His wand was nearer to her than him but that didn’t mean he couldn’t cast a nonverbal spell, so her wand was poised in her hand, ready for anything that he might throw at her.
(via xtheodore-nott-deactivated20120)
If I don't like you, you'll know. I speak my mind but not my heart. Trust is something that is earned; if you earn my trust, well, good for you.
Sure I'll read any letters sent to me, I'll even reply, but don't expect sunshine and butterflies when you get your owl back.
[RP account]
